A hater of Lacey’s in the perfume community: Are you coming back?
Lacey: No.
A hater of Lacey’s in the perfume community: But I cannot be right… People really were just being petty.
Lacey: …I’m not sure what to say.
There’s NO WAY…I’M EVER…coming back.
A hater of Lacey’s in the perfume community: But then you let them win…
You let me win.
Listen to “Let Down” by Radiohead.
Lacey: No.
I gave away my spot in the perfume community. Not myself.
A hater of Lacey’s in the perfume community: I do not understand.
Lacey: Well…-
You all didn’t want me…
A hater of Lacey’s in the perfume community: Not even in some twisted narcissistic way?
Lacey: *Thinks*
You know…-
Okay. My father was Tom Banks. Still is. And I could have married Joe Kennedy Junior. Okay?
A hater of Lacey’s in the perfume community: Okay!
Lacey: So…you’re aware that Kennedy men cheat? Right?
A hater of Lacey’s in the perfume community: Yes.
Lacey: So…look at this guy!
He’s better looking than these photos, but oh well.
The thing is…he was tall, handsome, and…impressive. London School of Economics.
Anyway…-
I heard that he found me very attractive but…he didn’t want me. Because…Pat…had…stolen his heart.
*I shrug*
I had had a crush on him since I was a teenager.
…But I let him go. And…realized that…as bum as my life seemed…it was for the best. And it really was. At least, in a way. Maybe things would be FAR more peaceful if…Pat hadn’t demanded he break the bad news to me, before death.
But…-
I see my place in the perfume community as the same thing. It’s…-
Oh well.
A gay male Episcopalian: Do you get the sense that Pat…was a bit prideful and arrogant? In demanding he read you the riot act?
Lacey: Yes. Dear Pat.
Yes…
A gay male Episcopalian: Was he…keeping everyone in the dark, for our safety?
Lacey: Yes.
Even his own.
He was very foolish. But I also think he loved her.
A gay male Episcopalian: Who are you?
Lacey: *exhales*
Are you really gay?
A gay male Episcopalian: *Laughs*
You’re a curvy blond!
Lacey: I’m a light brunette. My mother was possibly bound to be Norwegian.
I was blond in my youth, I guess. But it was dark blond.
Casi: I try to imitate her. But it’s not easy.
Her voice…confuses me.
Episcopalian gay man: I’m…not…-
Shit!
I’m not in the right.
So Lem runs off with you!?
Lem: YES!!
I wasn’t homosexual. At all.
Episcopalian gay man: Do neither of you understand how much you’ll hurt them?
Lem: I wasn’t attracted to men. Jack was an absolute jerk.
Joe…-
He ran off with Pat.
…I think we thought we’d teach them a lesson. But we didn’t think we’d…really hurt them that much.
Jack knew better. He was always angry anyway.
Episcopalian gay man: How could you not understand them loving her?
Lem: No.
I do!
I’m constantly hurt by Elliott. Her husband…-
But…I know she’s mine in Heaven.
*He smiles*
Joe….- I knew him-
Episcopalian gay man: No!!
You thought you did.
You are straight. That’s why you can’t ever understand them.
Lem! There’s no way he wasn’t devastated.
Lacey: *Looks confused and slightly worried*
Episcopalian gay man: Lem!
Lem: *Thinks*
I can’t-
Huh.
I just couldn’t care. About him.
Can you elaborate!?
Episcopalian gay man: Am I imagining things?
Lem: You may be.
He was an absolute jerk. But it’s possible he was that deeply wounded.
Elliott has wept. But…-
It’s a bloody business.
You think Joe was that bothered?
Episcopalian gay man: Yes.
Lem: I don’t think I had enough respect left for him to be that…-
What do you think happened? He did savagely run off with Pat.
Episcopalian: *Thinks*
Oh okay.
I’m in the perfume community.
*Looks stunned. Thinks.*
Lem: Huh.
Well…-
He threw Lacey down a flight of stairs. Did you hear about that?
Episcopalian: I’m not a good person.
Lem: Huh.
Yup. Saw that…but you demanded we take you seriously. And there are some very good Episcopalian people. Too bad you aren’t one of them!
*Later*
A perfume company hater: So…what does Lem’s wife wear? Other than Claire McCardell in her dreams?
Lem: Bois Des Iles.
Red Hibiscus.
Lucky Candy.
Why?
A perfume company hater: I can’t stand my own lack of common sense.
Lacey: Why are you so determined to misunderstand me?
It’s WEIRD.
A perfume company hater: I can’t handle what happened.
Why did you leave?
Lacey: I just couldn’t stay. You all lit my house on fire, almost.
*Later*
A perfume company hater: Did she mean that literally?
Lem: No. But actually…you did.
*He laughs*
I like Youth Dew. I like Heaven Scent.
Elliott Roosevelt…liked Beautiful by Estée Lauder.
*Later*
Lem:  What part of “stop antagonizing people who are good people” do you not understand? 
The FBI: You sucked-
Lem: How backward are you?
The FBI: I’m a closeted bisexual!
Lem: *shrugs*
I heard about the way they’re making it easier for perverts to be hired in the FBI. Do you all realize you’re committing suicide? The country can’t handle that.
The FBI: I’m jealous of you.
Tall. Straight. Well built. Gorgeous wife.
Lem: *Thinks*
Where’s your family from?
The man in the FBI: Italy.
Lem: *smirks*
The man in the FBI: So you know my family?
Lem: *Laughs and nods*
The man in the FBI: SHIT!
Yeah! You know what happened…
Lem: I sure do!
Someday you will too. All of it!
Or do you not want to know?
The man in the FBI: Yeah, I don’t know…
Lem: I hear you!
*Later*
A perfume executive: I think we’re financially taking a hit.
I don’t know yet, for certain. But I strongly suspect we’re going to be hurt.
The FBI: How badly?
A perfume executive: Badly.
Listen to “Hot Blooded” by New Constellations.
Lem: Do you understand why?
A perfume executive: No?
Actually…I do.
She’s moving our energy.
Lem: No.
It’s very grounded in reality.
Not that that’s not interesting.
The song ends.
She’s oil.
For now.
Listen to “Short Skirt/Long Jacket” by Cake.
She’s got a clean conscience, however.
But…you can’t destroy your relationship with oil. It’s word of mouth, for lack of a better explanation.
You’re the perfume industry. You DEPEND on oil. You USE OIL.
Did you ever realize that?
A perfume executive: No.
Lem: *Thinks*
Wow.
How did you miss that?
A perfume executive: I mean…it’s oil.
Lem: And we have too much of it?
A perfume executive: It feels like it.
Lem: So how do you think of it now?
A perfume executive: It’s a little worrying.
Lem: Just a little!?
I mean, I would think you’d be very scared.
A perfume executive: Well…-
Lem: Your prices are about to go WAY up. You know? For the ingredients? Way, way more. You can’t control that.
And yet…people aren’t buying as much. And that’s because they don’t want to.
She’s your entire personality. Hating her. Constantly.
Back in 2022…I had some hope. There was still some originality. Some independent voices. Not tainted by this bullshit. But now, the truth is…you’re down the crapper.
You stalked her. And there’s a paper trail. You committed a felony.
She could sue you. For millions.
You could go to jail. In a landmark court case. The perfume industry could be gutted. For DECADES.
People are DEAD. Millions have been wasted.
You all TOTALLY messed-up.
So now what? You can’t keep using her for new ideas. She has brilliant ideas. Old money taste. That’s rare. But you did nothing but sadistically bully her towards the end.
Fausta’s brother: Why did you sadistically bully her? She’s not that evil.
I get it…and yet I really don’t.
A perfume executive: Did she change? Or are we insane?
The CIA: People change over time. So there’s that. But basically she’s the same person.
Are you insane? Maybe? What do you think?
A Perdue executive: How do you not understand your position?
A perfume executive: I just thought it would be Okay.
Shell: HOW!?
A perfume executive: She’s so nonchalant.
Shell: So is VLADIMIR PUTIN!
I’ve learned to take him deadly seriously.
She’s not a threat. But you may have declared war. Literally.
The FBI: It’s like this.
You committed a felony.
She’s moving. It’s extremely stressful.
And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg.
How am I saying this? Ha! Well…she’s been targeted by the Illuminati. That’s how big this is.
So…she can’t “get you”. There’s a war going on. Tis not safe.
But…that’s what she’s entitled to. Thank GOD. I’m sure that keeps us safe at night. I mean it!
Still…ain’t nothing she can do. Not safe.
Shell: So…basically…you’re just going to have to accept ego death. *They laugh*
You can’t do what you all did.
It’s a literal crime.
A perfume executive: How does she sleep at night!?
The FBI: Why? *They crack-up laughing*
A perfume executive: Is there any way to totally distance ourselves!?
The FBI: NO!
You can’t.
You ruined that.
You were all sadistic. And you committed a real felony. It’s a felony for a damn good reason.
A perfume executive: I MEANT PUTIN!!
She’s HIS BITCH.
Lem is clearly cover for him. Lem. THEE Lem. So in his character!
The CIA: No. We’re going to have to say: we’re 90% sure he wasn’t gay.
Really.
But we can’t control Wikipedia. That’s not safe. That’s not fair.
Lou: We have a lot to answer for.
The CIA: So…you may have declared war.
Lem: THEY DID.
It’s very complicated. But they technically did.
Fausta’s brother: You have to understand if there’s reincarnation I’m alive right now, but my sister is literally Fausta and Lem was Constantine.
And hey, maybe this is just a trick and Lem and Lacey are being very gracious and going along with the theology of some of the people in the Illuminati. But worst case scenario I’m alive right now and my sister was his wife and I don’t think it was a good marriage. 
My sister was friends with Lacey. And I find that very weird. And I think you have to understand something. Lacey and my sister don’t get along very well anymore, but if there is reincarnation, that makes complete sense because she had the same difference of opinion with Lem.
And I think it’s kind of funny.
OK, but I have to be honest with you then I feel personally attacked. because that’s my sister. This is her ex-husband potentially and her ex friend and they’re married and I kind of feel like you’ve declared war on me.
Also, if there is reincarnation, drama isn’t just in the Kennedy family it predates that. I don’t think they mean to be unkind to people. I think they’re actually incredibly sweet and they get very misunderstood.
So I’m gonna trust that you guys actually did declare war and I’m gonna ask you a few questions. Why are you declaring war on my people?
The perfume community: Who are you?
Fausta’s brother: I’m speaking on behalf of the Holy Roman Empire.
The perfume community: Let me ask you some questions.
How close were your sister and Lacey?
Fausta’s brother: They were roommates and best friends actually did share a bed together once in my parent’s house. But nothing ever happened between them sexually. Lacey is straight and my sister is so cagey that even if she’s bisexual at all, I don’t think Lacey even really realized what was happening. They’re not Lem and Jack.
Yes, we had a big bed and I think my parents said it was more proper for her to share a room with my sister than anything else possibly because I found her attractive and they were trying to make sure that it was clear that she was just my sister‘s friend. Nothing happened between them. It was incredibly innocent. I come from a very Christian family. 
Kasey: So… you’re still at odds with those people about who was in the right, a really long time ago?
Fausta’s brother: If.. there’s reincarnation. I can’t verify that. But if there is then, yes, I have a feeling we’re still trying to insist that we weren’t really totally given a fair shake.
I think we would admit that there’s definitely faults on both sides and that she actually did do something wrong. My sister can be a jerk.
I’m sure she’s been very hurtful to both of them. But I think, unfortunately, the point that she may have been trying to make is that she would never be as stupid as he was.
Perfume community: Okay.
So it’s sort of like, “I could be with your hot wife and I’m actually bisexual and we’re actually close and nothing would even happen because I’m not as arrogant as you!” or something like that?
Fausta’s brother: Yes.
It’s an argument that he was hasty and that he acts too quickly without fully thinking things through. Except I wonder if she’s wrong and there might not even be reincarnation, but that could actually be real so there you go there’s your answer.
The perfume community: *Thinks*
How pretty is your sister?
Faust’s brother: Pretty!
Lacey has actually shared her picture. I’m sorry that you don’t remember that.
The perfume community: Okay.
So…
Umm…
I’m just trying to understand… why does your sister seem like someone who has bad taste?
Fausta’s brother: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Can you explain?
The perfume community: Well… what scent did your sister wear in college?
Fausta’s brother: Love Spell.
The perfume community: And what did Lacey wear?
Fausta’s brother: Vera Wang. And Marc Jacobs.
The perfume community: That’s-
Where did they buy them?
Fausta’s brother: Sephora. And Victoria’s Secret.
The perfume community: *Thinks*
Jim: Where are you going with this?
The perfume community: *Thinks*
Fausta’s brother: I don’t wear perfume.
Fausta’s father: Well…okay.
Is there anything else you’d like to know?
The perfume community: Why do you need to be-
I just feel…that…-
Huh.
Lem: You know…what?
The perfume community: *Laughs*
I do know.
Do you?
Lem: Spooky.
The perfume community: Ha!
Well anyway…
Lem: Barry Goldwater.
The perfume community: Ha!
Victory.
Lem: Barry Goldwater.
The perfume community: *Looks uneasy*
Barry Goldwater.
Lem: Rice…cakes.
The perfume community: No.
Lem: RICE…Cakes.
The perfume community: Rice cakes.
Lem: ALIMONY.
The perfume community: *Looks excited*
ALIMONY.
Lem: I say up you say down.
The perfume community:
Lem: UP!!
The perfume community: DOWN!
Lem: Follow me to war!!
The perfume community: *Looks confused*
What?
Lem: HALT!
The perfume community: *Looks confused*
Fausta: Are you mad at me?
The perfume community: Yes. We’re mad at everyone but him.
Lem: I don’t collect perfume.
The perfume community: What did you eat with Fern? Watching Star Trek?
Lacey: Pork chops. A potato. A salad. And she made…her famous cheesecake?
The perfume community: Wait what!?
Lacey: What?
The perfume community: *They smile*
Why…pork chops?
Fern: I loved them. They’re good!
Jim: Are you all opposed to pork chops?
The perfume community: Yes.
Jim: Huh.
Why?
The perfume community: It’s meat.
Jim: You’re insane.
The perfume community: *Cries*
No!
We just can’t afford that.
Fern: This was decades ago.
The perfume community: Well geez.
Jim: Can you stop wearing perfume?
The perfume community: Yes.
Lem: Then stop.
The perfume community: No.
Fausta’s brother: Why aren’t you answering?
The perfume community: We can’t…-
I don’t think we can handle this.
The CIA: Damn.


Keen to Cross the Pond 
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